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05 08 06
You asked:
What if I escape?
The Oracle replied:
Don't even think about it. It'll be a disaster.
You asked:
I didn't know you speak English.
The Oracle replied:
Hmm. You could ask me any question in the world and you come up with this?
You asked:
Well, I can ask you as many questions as I like, right?
The Oracle replied:
Ok.
You asked:
What kind of music do you like?
The Oracle replied:
The kind you least expect. We discussed this matter in the great panel of the Oracle Conference 2006.
You asked:
You did?
The Oracle replied:
Let's do something else. Are you dating someone?
You asked:
Well, no one as beautiful as you.
The Oracle replied:
*Smiles and nods*
You asked:
Do you have a British accent?
The Oracle replied:
I did yesterday, but not anymore.
You asked:
Why is that?
The Oracle replied:
Altough you do not understand this yet, it is all for the best. Trust me.
You asked:
Best for who?
The Oracle replied:
Nicole Kidman. How else may I help you?
You asked:
Now that you asked... Could you arrange me a date with Nicole Kidman?
The Oracle replied:
Yes, unless you screw things up. Unfortunately, things are worse than what they seem.
You asked:
Would you?
The Oracle replied:
I sure hope so.
You asked:
Aww, you're the best <3
The Oracle replied:
You're not bad yourself!
You asked:
So what should I wear on that date?
The Oracle replied:
Gown.
You asked:
...Nicole is a dyke?
The Oracle replied:
I can't catch your train of thought.
You asked:
Does Nicole Kidman like women?
The Oracle replied:
Used to, but doesn't anymore.
You asked:
Does Nicole like boys who wear gowns?
The Oracle replied:
I'm afraid I must disappoint you, but no he doesn't.
You asked:
...Nicole is a man?
The Oracle replied:
Yes, but things will not go quite as you expect. This issue seems to interest people from Finland.
You asked:
Wow, who would've thought...
The Oracle replied:
Phil Mickelson.
You asked:
And who's this Phil Mickelson guy?
The Oracle replied:
Jerry Seinfeld.
You asked:
OK, that kinda makes sense.
The Oracle replied:
I'm in a hurry here, do you have something else on your mind?
You asked:
Do you know many Hollywood stars?
The Oracle replied:
I don't think so.
You asked:
Hmm. A pity. I thought I'd ask you about Leelee Sobieski.
The Oracle replied:
I don't understand.
You asked:
Well, since you could arrange me a date with Nicole Kid-man, could you arrange me a date with Leelee?
The Oracle replied:
If you ask me - as many people do - I say yes.
You asked:
Yay!
The Oracle replied:
That doesn't look like a question to me. Please use complete sentences.
You asked:
Ow come ON! I'm in 7th heaven here!
The Oracle replied:
I speak only English, not Ancient Yatvingian or Manichaean Middle Persian.
You asked:
I happen to know you do speak Finnish, too :)
The Oracle replied:
I can't understand a word you're saying.
You asked:
Fine, be that way then. Where should I take Leelee on our first date?
The Oracle replied:
Near the sea.
You asked:
If I do so, will I see her wearing a bikini?
The Oracle replied:
Go for it!
You asked:
If it's a private beach, will she swim naked?
The Oracle replied:
Don't even think about it. It'll be a disaster. :-)
You asked:
You're smiling like you know something.
The Oracle replied:
Yes, but I'd rather not.
You asked:
Knowledge is pain, huh.
The Oracle replied:
My Artificial Intelligence failed to parse what you said.
You asked:
Have you been taking English lessons?
The Oracle replied:
I have not, and have no desire to even try.
You asked:
I think you maybe should.
The Oracle replied:
My Artificial Intelligence failed to parse what you said.
You asked:
That's exactly what I meant.
The Oracle replied:
Duct tape.
You asked:
Heh, you're in good terms with MacGyver?
The Oracle replied:
Let's keep this on a professional level.
You asked:
And what does that mean? *wink wink*
The Oracle replied:
The Internet.
You asked:
Hmph. Figures.
The Oracle replied:
That doesn't look like a question to me. Please use complete sentences.
You asked:
Well is your English perfect then?
The Oracle replied:
In theory, yes. In practise, no.
You asked:
OK. I'll get back at you when you've learnt more.
The Oracle replied:
By next Christmas.
You asked:
...Or maybe just a little before. Bye!
The Oracle replied:
Goodbye!
07 08 06
You asked:
Who am I?
The Oracle replied:
You're my client.
You asked:
How much does this cost?
The Oracle replied:
Just a little. Nobody will notice, so you have nothing to fear.
You asked:
Can I pay you by trading services?
The Oracle replied:
You can if you believe you can. I hope the weather in Finland is good.
You asked:
What's the weather like in Antarctica now?
The Oracle replied:
It'll be 17°C (63°F), but what it will be like, it'll be up to you. A press conference will be held at noon tomorrow concerning
this issue.
You asked:
Up to me?
The Oracle replied:
Yeah.
You asked:
Do you mean I can affect the weather?
The Oracle replied:
Precisely.
You asked:
Will I ever marry?
The Oracle replied:
No, but thinks look bright nevertheless.
You asked:
Loads of lovers, that is?
The Oracle replied:
Hmm yes.
You asked:
What do you think of sex?
The Oracle replied:
Just not my piece of cake.
You asked:
So you don't have it...at all?
The Oracle replied:
Yes.
You asked:
Why don't you?
The Oracle replied:
Because of a dissonance in electromagnetic force field. You can tell others you heard it from me. They'll believe you
better if you do so.
You asked:
Do you like me?
The Oracle replied:
A bit messy, but OK.
You asked:
Are you in love with someone?
The Oracle replied:
Of course I am.
You asked:
Are you a virgin?
The Oracle replied:
Of course :-)
You asked:
You are beautiful.
The Oracle replied:
You're flattering me, but go on, it feels good!
You asked:
Do you know what would feel even better?
The Oracle replied:
I'm not sure.
You asked:
Would you mind terribly if I kissed you?
The Oracle replied:
Let's keep this on a professional level.
You asked:
Are you sure that's what you want? ;)
The Oracle replied:
I am always sure and always serious. As an Oracle I can't fool around.
You asked:
You're hopeless :D
The Oracle replied:
My Artificial Intelligence failed to parse what you said.
You asked:
You are indeed very beautiful.
The Oracle replied:
I know I seem like that but I'm not.
You asked:
And you're sexy as well ;>
The Oracle replied:
I might look that way, but unfortunately in reality I am not.
You asked:
OK, maybe it would be better if I stop here.
The Oracle replied:
I'm not convinced it is the right path to take.
You asked:
OK. So tell me, what happens tomorrow?
The Oracle replied:
Everything will go great!
You asked:
You said earlier you're in love with someone... Is it a boy or a girl?
The Oracle replied:
The first one is evil and morally wrong. Avoid it at all costs. My agent in Finland told me this.
You asked:
So you like girls?
The Oracle replied:
I'm bored.
You asked:
Is she cute?
The Oracle replied:
Of course! I just got a phone call where I learned this.
You asked:
Haven't you met her?
The Oracle replied:
Unfortunately I must disappoint you.
You asked:
What makes her so beautiful?
The Oracle replied:
The Internet
You asked:
How?
The Oracle replied:
With sincerity.
You asked:
What size breasts are the best?
The Oracle replied:
H
You asked:
Isn't that a little too big?
The Oracle replied:
No chance.
You asked:
How old are you?
The Oracle replied:
I used to work in Delphi, Greece, but the Romans invaded the area and banned me in 385 AD. Now my temple is a historical
site. I opened the ’Oraakkeli’ Web service (in Finnish) in 2000 and this one in English July 15th, 2006.
But my personal age, that is a secret :-)
You asked:
OK, at least tell me this: Are you 39?
The Oracle replied:
Sorry, but I'm not available.
You asked:
Why does my life suck?
The Oracle replied:
If you want to find the root cause, look in the mirror.
You asked:
Where are all beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed, tall, flat-chested, kind, 39-year-old available women?
The Oracle replied:
Under a train.
You asked:
Is there still time for me to save them?
The Oracle replied:
I just contacted the gods and they said no.
You asked:
Oh well. So I'll just go to sleep and dream of them instead.
The Oracle replied:
I don't understand.
You asked:
Will I dream of them tonight?
The Oracle replied:
Without a shed of doubt.
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